I have been avoiding this post for a very, very, very long time.
More specifically I have been avoiding this post since Thursday, March 20.
Seeing as Boyd is a far better writer than I am, I will post a journal entry of his account.
"On Mar 20th I found out my residency
situation. After interview, which were awful, Allison and I had the confirmation from the Lord that things were
going to work out. All in all, we were confident that I would match somewhere and the
next leg of our lives could begin. Not matching and scrambling were not even an
afterthought in our minds. Finally, the hour came when we could click on the link
that informed us of our destination. I clicked on the blue word and there it
was, the coldest apology I have ever seen. Unsympathetic, leaving us worrying
if there was a glitch in the system of if we didn't do click on the page
correctly, “We are sorry that you didn't successfully match.” Immediately, a calming peace
filled my heart and distinct words came to my mind, “ I did this.” Knowing from
previous experiences in life, it was the Spirit of the Lord. As fast as the
peace came, it left. Faster yet, despair filled my soul. Just a few days
prior, while riding to a meeting with the bishop, he was commenting on the
serious nature of this one decision. Lifechanging, Lifealtering. An entire
career's worth of opportunity riding on one click of the mouse. I was bereft of
hope. Stranded. Alone. Dumbfounded. Speechless. All life was drained. My brain
couldn't even panic, I was so distraught. I didn't even know what to think
about doing because I wasn't supposed to be in this situation. So I got my
application together, sent it to the remaining opened programs, and I waited on
the couch. Staring at the TV. Watching one episode after another, attempting to
escape the awful mentally taxing situation, abandoning reality that I now found myself
in. My phone remained silent. Programs were being filled hour by hour, and no
contact from anyone. Nothing. Thursday went by, then Friday, then Saturday.
Nothing. My chances of getting a program were next to zero. I had utterly
failed again.
Crushed.
The following Monday, brought more disappointment, all but a
few of the remaining programs were filled. I held out for a couple that I had
visited before. I didn't think I would have much success, but I still remained
hopeful. Over the course of the next couple weeks, word began to trickle out
that I hadn't match. My classmates were more that sympathetic and gracious in
their treatment to me. To my disappointment, one of my classmates was asked by
his director to suggest people for an open position with him in TX. He recommended someone else. A former classmate could have gotten me a spot in at another program but he
didn't know until it was too late. The spot I thought I had was filled and not
even a good friend of mine with a stellar resume and grades better than mine
got the spot at the coveted program, a program most often dismissed until this last
year, annoyingly. On top of all that, when choosing places for me to visit for my month-long clerkships, I picked programs that hadn't chosen
students from my school in years or I just didn't fit me. Also, I picked
programs where I just stood by and observed rather than actually worked in clinic.
I did everything wrong. Everything
that could have gone wrong in my situation, did go wrong.
For the next couple of weeks, I was pretty much a walking
Zombie. My brain was running a million mph as I tried to figure out what was
best for me in my future. Was I supposed to continue with Podiatry? Should I
change careers? Was it a mistake for me to even come to school? Did I go to the
right school? I'm such a failure, why can't I just get a job? Why does it
always have to be so hard for me to enter the workplace? Every time I come to
the end of schooling, I can't get the job I want. Personally, I am weary from it.
I came to Podiatry school because there was 100% placement into residency when
I applied. I was just happy that I would get job at the end of it all. Wrong. As one could imagine, I was
tired and stressed. Holding back tears, gut churning, mind racing, fears and
doubts swarming all around. I was worn out and decided to literally cry unto
the Lord to pull me from the wretched state that I was in. I asked him
sincerely and earnestly to forgive me for my pride and my transgressions.
Luckily, he answered.
I knew that I
had turned my back on Him because of the stresses from infertility. I had been
fed up with waiting, being patient, and seeking treatments. I wasn't even the
one going to the doctor and I was fed up with it. Getting married took longer than I wanted it to, and now having kids has taken even longer. I was done getting my hopes up for nothing time and time and time again.
Harder still, watching my ever faithful wife's dreams get crushed month after
lousy month. All the while beaming with such joy and hope, trying so hard to go
to the doctors even though she hates it, praying and maintaining hope even
though it hasn't worked in the past why should it work this time, trying to
trust in a Lord that hasn't yet fulfilled His promise. We were tired of the nights spent showering our pillows with
our tears, meanwhile smothering our gasps and cries of emotionally overwhelming
pain. Last December was the last of our treatments until InVitro, which costs
$12,000-$20,000 dollars. Not to mention we can't adopt unless I have a stable
steady income. Neither could we afford, so I was basically ready to move on.
Forget my ward, forget Cleveland, just get out of this “miserable” (I say that
now with tongue and cheek because we actually love Cleveland) city, bury our hopes and move on. My bags were packed. I was just done.
(Allison's account: December was our last treatment. We are
plum out of excess money to spend on treatments that cost around $1,200 a
cycle. Haven't we been through enough? God knows this is our last and only hope
before we take a break. Realistically it might be our only chance for a long
long time. We can't afford IVF. By the time we can realistically afford to pay
off Boyd's $250,000+ loan and have barely enough to do a treatment it will be about 5-6
more years. Boyd will be 35ish. I will be 30. Ten year later than we had
“planned” (plans, screw those). I was banking on this “final” treatment to work. All of my
co-workers knew I was doing a treatment. The children at school would look
up at me with their big eyes and ask “up please” and I would have to tell them
no, feeling terrible inside, but thinking this sacrifice would be worth it if
it worked. My favorite phrase and the only thing that brought peace to my heart
was hearing people say “I am praying for you” Over and over I would hear it
from my co-workers, members of our ward, nurses from the doctor's office, random people I never thought were religious. I thought long and hard about this phrase. I thought “we aren't the same
religion, but who even cares!” Then my thoughts turned to “I think
it's neat bringing other close to Christ through our situation. Wouldn't it be
great if this does work? This could totally strengthen their faith in God. This treatment has to work!”
The evening of December 24th brought utter
disappointment. I remember Boyd driving me home with me, screaming at the top
of my lungs, “Why didn’t it work?!?” Tears, after tears came for the first 20
minutes of our drive home from his parents. Then peace. All is well.)
For Easter, the Church put out a motivational video called 'Because of Him.' One
part of clip stuck out to me, it says “Death has no victory, the grave no
sting. We can start again … and again … and again.” The last two words fill my
heart with hope and joy every time I watch the video. 'And again' Even though I
know better. Even though, I have oft turned my back willingly against the Lord.
Consciously or voluntarily sinned against my better judgment, being raised with
Truth since I was a child, I could start over again. I took the message to
heart in my prayer with the Lord and spoke to him as a distressed child speaks
to his father. I wanted Him to know how grateful I was for all the strength and
support I had received through medical school. It seemed as though every other
exam period something would come up or someone would come visit or someone
needed my attention more than my notes did. From the time I started undergrad,
I made it a point that school would never get in the way of relationships with
loved ones and close friends. I have dropped my notes many times to aid the
distressed, only to have to stay up later that night or get up early to study
some more. (I could have been studying all along the way, or studied better in
my free time anyway) At other times, I would plainly get distracted, easing my brain from studies, wasting my
time, with flashy entertainment. Whatever the case, the Lord helped me remember
enough to get through my exams without failing. I ended up somewhere in the
middle of my class. Not bad.
I also wanted Him to know how grateful I was for my wife and
her loving support. She has been a rock when I've needed it most, a great
support in my trials. She is understanding and trusting even at times when I
have betrayed that trust. She seeks to grow and learn and reach out to the
Lord. She has shown me how to set aside pride and willingly bear all the
frustrations and changed plans that life has to offer. I love her dearly.
After expressing my desire for forgiveness and
confessing my sins and transgressions, Peace. Peace melted my fears. Dissolved
my doubts. Increased my hope. Then Love. I felt so close to a Father from whom
I had estranged myself. The knowledge was reaffirmed to me that I was once close to my Father and his Son before
I came to this earth. I was a valiant supporter of the Savior and His role.
More than anything, I wanted to know what was next for me.
What was I supposed to do? I asked if I should pursue an internship. I asked if
I should change careers. I asked if I should go live with my parents. I asked
if I should go back to school and pursue another degree. I asked a lot of questions with no response.
Question after question, thought after thought was answered with nothing. Then
I asked should I just wait. The same peace, the same spirit, the Lord whispered in my heart,
and the response came to my mind, 'Be patient and see the arm of the Lord.' Not
the answer I was looking for. Not the answer Allison was looking for. Not the answer my parents were looking for. But the answer nonetheless, 'Be
still and know that I am God.'"
Today Boyd says: Even then some days
are really hard. More than once in the past couple months, I have given up on
the Lord and have been really frustrated and mad at Him. Weeks go by without
any sign of hope, and do I ever get discouraged, but still I try to do what I
feel like the Lord wants us to do even if it's not the logical, at all. I've
had setbacks. I've lost faith at times. I've needed to repent often, but we
follow the promptings of the Spirit and hope for the best. Little blessings
here and there have reinvigorated our hope and have kept us moving forward,
trying not to be swallowed by the ever-present doubts. This really has been an
opportunity to learn how to trust the Lord and wait patiently to see his
miracles work around us.
On a lighter note: One night in April, Boyd and I were laying in bed (after crying our eyes out) and I looked at Boyd and said "at least we still have our health!" The next week Boyd got shingles. haha poor guy.
Mid June: Since all of this has happened our situation has not changed much. At the end of June our lease was up and we had no where to live, except Boyd's parent's house. Boyd had been looking day and night for housing for us. We planned on moving in with his parents July 1. However, I was sitting in church and felt prompted to post on our church's facebook page that Boyd and I needed help looking for a place to live. Later that evening I followed my prompting and posted. 30 minutes later I got a reply from a girl at church. Her father owns a duplex and they were moving. It would be available for us to move in July 1. (I know this was an answer from the Lord). Within one week we met with our new land lord and then moved in. We are ever grateful for the couple who moved early for us to have a place to live.
Now that it is the end of July I am finally getting around to recording our happenings. Honestly, this has been the hardest thing that has ever happened to us. 5 years of infertility seems like a walk in the park compared to the situation we are in. Boyd calculated and told me last night that he has been rejected over 50 times now, since match day.
One of the hardest moments for me was Boyd's graduation. A day to celebrate and move on. Boyd was a champ, even though I had to literally drag him there. I am so proud of him for completing 4 years of medical school.
Even though we have been through hell the last few months we are still ever
Grateful in our situation. It has helped our relationship with the Lord. It has strengthened our trust in Him. Just when we feel like we have reached the end and we can no longer endure, we have felt the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ raise us up, just enough to keep going. Even though our situation still hasn't changed, we still don't have the beautiful children we so desire, Boyd still does not have have a job, and we have an enormous school debt to pay off, we know, without a shadow of a doubt, that what is in-store for us will be greater than what we can imagine. Although his plan may seem so different from what we have in mind, we will keep trying to do what the Lord has planned for us. Come what may. We will stay the course.
